UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's always time for handjobs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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