At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
