she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
