the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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