So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I cut my penus on the lid.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
