Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
