I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
