too bad you live with your parents still
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
