Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
