I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
do herpes really smell.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
