It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
