Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
