I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
