I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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