We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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