wrigley field is MILF paradise
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
