When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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