Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
