I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
