I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
