Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
