don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
