Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
