i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
