So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
