Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
