I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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