well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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