i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
