I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
