your thong is hanging out like whoa
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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