your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
