why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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