There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
