Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
