you told grandpa to call you daddy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
