she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
