when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
