I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
