Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
