His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
