I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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