im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
