Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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