Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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