I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
