And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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