Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
