so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
