turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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