I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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