I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
