she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
