How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
