I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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