you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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